God Said: Quit Loving Your Wife. Now Have More Kids.

There was a great page-two article in Wednesday's Washington Post (here) that was seriously hilarious. And I mean HILARIOUS. As you know (well, most of you probably have real hobbies), Tuesday the House was debating the Marriage Amendment. That's right, the one that was defeated by the Senate like, I don't know, at least one Crime Emergency ago? The very same amendment that cannot be passed into law unless the Senate passes it with a supermajority. Which it did not. So we are paying for congressmen and women to sit around and discuss things that are not a possibility. In light of this clarification of the House's role, I present the next five most important things to be decided:

1. My Little Pony's™: Threat to Alaska

2. Defeating the Danger: Dangling Participles

3. Gravity: Just Vote No!

4. Threat Level Abrahamoff

5. The Naming of The “Scooter” Washington National Airport

Apparently God was speaking to the Republicans on Tuesday, and this is what he was telling them about protecting marriage for fat white guys: “It's part of God's plan for the future of mankind,” said John Carter from Texas. Really? God's plan for MANKIND? I thought his whole plan was to get it so that we could walk on two feet. I doubt God had much more in mind after that. Bob Beauprez agreed, “We best not be messing with His plan”. Yes, we best not be using standard English either. Can't have the hispanics catching on and learnin' it up. They mights pass the citizen test, then.

The best quote of the entire shameful chicanery come from a man who comes from close to where I come from (the pride, oh the pride welling up), Todd Akin from Missouri. “Marriage is not about love. It's about a love that can bear children.” I think we can safely assume that Ms. Akin made him get his tubes snipped along time ago, if only to ensure there was no one to assume his political legacy. So there you have it folks, from the mouths of Republican Christans: gays can't marry because that would mean that straight guys love their wives. Case closed.

You thrust just like so to make loveless babies. God said.