06 December 2006

Week Long Meetings

I’m in a boring IT meeting all week long. This is my paper blog. Otherwise known as writing.

Our Job: select massive new database system.
The Forum: conference room, nine am, Monday.
The Word of the Hour: Scalability.
Where I Would Rather Be: in bed. Covers over the head. Toes, toasty warm.

Word of the Hour: Granular. Misused in reference to the concept of limiting access to certain user groups. “As you can see this system is very granular.” Really? It’s made of small, evenly sized pieces? Like sand? Cause I can see that causing problems in an office environment. Who wants database grains in their power suit? Nobody, that’s who.
Where I Would Rather Be: still in bed. But now I am reading. I built a fort with the pillows and no one breaches my defenses. Unless I have to pee.

This exchange demonstrates why I will never go into IT:

Presenter: “All of these are native SQL+ processi [sic], not some sort of API/Call Up script.”
Audience laughs.

Jesus wept.

Word of the Hour: “best-practices-out-of-the-box”. As far as I can tell, this is a big word for “appropriate”, as in “best-practices-out-of-the-box solutions”. Seriously: just say “appropriate solutions.” It won’t hurt you. But me hitting you with a lead pipe will, which I think we can all agree is the best-practice-out-of-the-box solution for unnecessary corporate speak.

Word of the Hour: Lunch.
Where I Would Rather Be: eating a patty melt. I feel it is a much maligned sandwich.

Word of the Hour: Recency. McWhat?
Where I Would Rather Be: being stoned to death by radical clerics.

I don’t even know what they are discussing now, but it does seem that our RFM assets will be integrated vertically. Well good. We were all worried about that.

I wonder if it is possible to cause my thumb to explode if I concentrate real hard? What about other peoples’ thumbs?

No. Concentration does not cause thumb explosions.


Coach said...

"synergy." I hate that one. I especially hate "dynamic synergy."

I also don't like it when people misuse "substantial" for "substantive."