New York Conversations

Last weekend was spent communing with friends in New York. And by communing, I mean drinking beer. I spent one summer in New York working at a random bakery (loooooong story). It was, uhhh, well... I am searching for a word that means "a supernova of fun". I was nineteen, lived in Brooklyn, there were no parents, a fair bit of disposable income and boys a-go-go. Good times.

So why hadn't I been back to New York in so very very long? That was like ten years ago! It seems unpossible, as Ralph Wiggum would say. Maybe this conversation, put into linear form from fragments collected on Sunday, will illuminate why I don't live in New York.

Subway Toll Collecter: "I TOLD you what to do, ALREADY. What more I have to do? HMMMMMMM?"
The BoyFriend: "Uhh, but the gate you told us to go to is closed."
STC: "I TOLD YOU WHAT TO DO!"
TBF: Stunned silence.
Other Subway Passenger: "Scuse me! LET ME THROUGH! I GOTS A BABY!" She attempts to push a baby stroller with a comatose baby though an emergency exit gate. "LET ME THROUGH!"
STC: "I ain't gonna let you though there! Now go 'round like I says!"
OSP: "But I gots A BABY! LET ME THROUGH!"
STC: "Get outta here and do what I said."
OSP: "You burn in hell! YOU BURN IN HELL YOU BLACK BITCH!"
TBF: STUNNED SILENCE.

Woman on the Train: "Scuse you!"
The Boyfriend: "What?"
WOT: "I said SCUSE YOU!"
TBF: "UHhhh, no. Excuse you."
WOT: "Don'tchoo be leanin' on me motherfucker! SCUSE YOU!"
TBF: No, excuse you. And don't fucking talk to me that way."
WOT: Histerical Blabbering. Prolific dropping of the F-Bomb.

Woman in Stairwell: "Don't you tell me what to do!"
Man in Stairwell: " I fuckin' tell you what to do when ever I want to tell you what to do!
WIS: "You stupid motherfucker! Don't you fucking hit me!"
MIS: "If I hit you you be dead! Don't even be calling me motherfucker! Stupid bitch."
WIS: "What, you gonna hit me? Yeah, I didn't think you gonna hit me! Die you stupid nasty!
MIS: Incomprehensible meltdown of civility.
WIS: Further shreaking and yelling.

King of the Badgers: "Excuse me, could I get by?"
Man Standing in Front of Turnstile: "Don't you fucking touch me motherfucker."
KOB: "Shut up Jackass. If you don't want people to touch you then don't stand in front of the turnstile."
MSFT: "I'll cut you."
KOB: Internal Voice: I'm sure you would, but I'm on this side of the turnstile now and I'm pretty sure you don't have the two dollars it would take to exact revenge.
KOB: Outside Voice: Le sigh.