24 May 2007

Oh My God, Apartment Seven, 8 and Hello, Lover

Let's make this brief: Apartment seven was in the basement of this hippie woman who had obviously purchased way more house than she could afford. She was desperate to get some income out of that basement. I feel sorry for her. But not sorry enough to live next to the railroad switching yards.

Oh apartment eight. Why do you even try? You had me from hello. Had me retching, that is. On to apartment nine.

Hello Lover, Goodbye Skank Whore. The advertisement for this apartment was a complete lie. Much like a romantic internet interest that ends up being a 60 year old man from the Philippines, my 740 sq ft 1BR with hardwood floors, ample closet space and a small balcony turned out to be a 400 sq ft basement apartment with grotty carpet. And the estate agent, who's company manages not just the building I was looking at, The Lanier, a wanker name if I ever heard one, but also the Barclay, Ravenel & Regal, was like "what? what's the problem?". When I said that the problem was that she was showing me the wrong apartment, she just shrugged her shoulders.

Dear Karmic Gods:

Remember the girl that showed me the abortion of the apartment today? Make sure that, at their company barbecue this summer, while they are all laughing it up in a beautiful park, drinking beer and salivating over hamburgers on the grill, and there is a new cute guy that my estate agent is sort of flirting with, and thinking maybe this could be the good thing she has been waiting for for ages, make sure they are hit by a speeding Metro bus while their propane grill tank explodes at the same time that they are being eaten alive by swarms of both angry bees and a flesh eating virus. Also, give them syphilis.


I need a drink.


Princess Amber said...

Oh Sweetheart! What's so wrong with where you live now? Had enough greasy chicken to last you a life time? At least I know wher e you are now... That's it, I'll have to come back. But I'm coming to a dungeon, so keep lookin'!

HRH King Friday XIII said...

This is such an awesome series. So true of DC.

In a way, I hope you don't find an apartment until the high 30's. I know that's unfair to you, but I do enjoy the saga.

You're like the humans in Battlestarr Galactica, trying to find Earth.

Or like the Starthip Voyager, trying to return to Earth.

Or like the Robison Family from Lost in Space, trying to find... um, Earth.

The King said...

So what you are saying, is that we are trying to find... Earth. Hott.