29 August 2007

This is How Catholicism Was Created

Guy: i was recently thinking about taking two weeks off work to read Proust

i'm really not cut out for capitalism

me: it's true- neither of us are

I don't care enough about winning

I am happy to have some booze and something to read

also, a plane ticket

Guy: yeah i love just pottering around looking at stuff


it's this sort of conversation that leads to people becoming tramps

me: it's true. all we need now is a stick and a handkerchief to tie a bundle

and some train cars to ride around the country

me: i'd like to write a book in ten years that starts out "I had a promising career... and then I decided to become a tramp."

Guy: sounds like a blues record, can i sip on some thunderbird?


it would have to go in the opposite-to-self-help section:

the self-destruction section

me: haha! that would be great! It could be a book about how maybe self destruction is really the path to self help

it would mess with the lives of thousands of young people AND make us rich

what better?

Guy: it's perfect

you have to destroy the old you to find your true self

might as well have some fun while you do it

me: exactly

plus bonus section: how to drink and drive for fun and profit!

Guy: Heroin & Parenting: How your crippling, hellish addiction can equip your child with the tools to handle anything life throws at them

me: Being Poor and Having More Kids: How not being able to support your children and equip them to live in the modern world will allow them to develop alternative means of support, such as stealing and robbing, making them into well rounded and independent entrepreneurs

Guy: wahahaha

this genre just writes itself

me: it really does

which is why we should write it

Guy: we could be 'self-destruction gurus'

that's a job title

me: I was reading this "guide to happiness" that someone had left at my office, and it said that the most rewarding job was one that came easy to you, but people found valuable.

I think we have found that job

Guy: i always new my calling in life was to wreck other people.

for profit!

me: bwhhhahahahaaaa

it's the best plan ever

Guy: jesus would've approved, he was the king of self-destruction

and the jews

me: those jews are just full of self loathing. plus Jesus- he was totally about self destruction. Leave your families, friends, children and walk around the desert with me for some unfathomable reason, he said unto them

Guy: also, the only man in history to be nailed to a cross and still somehow come across as being smug

me: wwwwwwwwwwHAHAHHAHAHA

so true

We are going to hell now, you know that, right?

Guy: he's a perfect icon for the 'cause'

"yes i have truly destroyed myself, and all for you my brethren"


me: yes, not only taking his own self destruction as a good thing, but claiming that all others are in debt to him for it!

we are really onto something now!

Guy: next time i get drunk and arrive late for work, i'll say i was doing it for mankind's sins

me: yes! and if I forget my mom's birthday I'll say it was to save the jews

Guy: entire new outlook on life springs into operation

me: hurray!


Princess Amber said...

Assuming that Guy is in fact Guy, let me reiterate how much I love you both and how some of the best tramping time of my life was done with you two cats on mountains with sticks.

I love the genre. I love the creative process. Lucky for you two you have a slack lazy editor friend who will leave errors in on purpose and say she's done it for the sake of the gratification of readers who love finding errors because they are cynical naysaying arseholes who delight in the misery of others which, correct me if I'm wrong here, is exactly our target audience! Mwahahahaha!


The King said...

We have a winning product! Welcome aboard Princess Amber!

english guy said...

If you would like to find out more about how self-destruction can improve your life please send your address and bank details to:


We'll send you a DVD starter pack that'll help you get the most from your meltdown. Plus if you order before November, you'll receive a free baggy of crack to get you started!
So what's stopping you? See what disaster can do for you, today.