11 September 2007

The Poopypants Complex

This post is going to make me deeply unpopular. Deeply. Be forewarned. Maybe if you already have children, then you should just stop reading it now.

There is a phenomenon that afflicts some people with children. Let's call it the "I-procreated-therefore-I-get-to-do-whatever-the-hell-I-want” complex, or “Poopypants Complex” for short. I know lots of kickass parents. They are really good with their kids, and they are also fun people to hang around with, both when the kids are awake and when the kids are in bed. I like kids. I like families. Hurray for propagating the species!

But some parents, oh, woah is me. How do do you ever expect to convince the gays to participate in rearing our collective young when you act like this?

Let's explore the poopypants complex, shall we? We shall.

Normal Interaction on Airplane:

Passenger Uno: Hi, I brought this bag of potatoes with me, and, well, I'm embarrassed to say this, but it's a lot heavier than I thought it was going to be, so could you switch seats with me so that I can sit close to the front of the plane?

Passenger Dos: I'm sorry, what?

Passenger Uno: Move seats so me and my bag of tubers can be in front of the plane.

Passenger Dos: I will cut you.

Other passengers: Hurray!

Poopypants Interaction on Airplane:

Passenger Uno: Hi, I brought this baby with me, and well, I'm embarrassed to say that the baby wants to sit close to the front of the plane so we can get off earlier. Could we switch seats?

Passenger Dos: Look, that's why I chose this seat- I have a tight connection to make in Detroit. I'm sorry.

Passenger Uno: But- a baby! I have a baby! I did something that every species has done forever since the beginning of time, and that entitles me!

Other Passengers: Kill him! Baby hater! Maybe they like your kind in Detroit, but not here! Boooooo!

Now, we should all be considerate of people on whom destiny has placed heavier burdens than our own. People should give up bus seats for old people, and disabled people, and yes, pregnant women. It's hard being those things, and it's hard work having kids. But other things is life are hard too. So if you chose to have children, remember to replace them with a bag of root vegetables and rehearse conversations in your head to determine if you are making a polite request, or being a fucking raging bitch with an ugly baby. Smooches to you, lady in seat 23B!

**Disclaimer: the only babies in my life are M and K and D, who are, of course, amazingly beautiful babies, and have awesome parents who I would never refer to as raging bitches. Also, I was not a party in the above conversation, just an observer. I would have hit her, not argued with her. Don't wave your baby at me like some limitless credit card.**


HRH King Friday XIII said...

I'm pretty sure babies can be stowed in the overhead cabin.

MB said...

That's exactly why I always check my baby with my suitcase.

If the choice of lap-mate was baby or potato, I would always pick spud. Potatoes don't wiggle, puke or poop.

I have seen this phenomenon of which you speak. People always say yes. WHAT THE HELL. At least on United, the seats in the front have FIVE extra inches of legroom. Who gives that up!? Idiots, that's who.

Wanna know what's fun? Buying yourself a seat in first class with your baby and watching people get on the plane and spy the two of you waiting to "entertain" them the whole way.

I don't get it. Most parents huddle in the very back of the plane. I never sit in the bulkhead with a baby because there's no storage space under the seat in front of you.

MB said...

PS And take it back. I am definitely a raging bitch. (That did however come years before the baby.)

Anonymous said...

But my baby is disaaaaaaaaaaaabled!

barry said...

What you need to do is stand up and deliver that famous line, "I have had it with these mothersucking babies on this motherf***ing plane!!!"

NG said...

Wait a minute, you can use your baby for an excuse to get stuff you want? I clearly need some more parenting classes.