18 October 2006

Three Hundred Million People Trying to Find a Parking Space

So Tuesday morning, while I was shaving, the three millionth American became a reality. That's how they phrased it on the morning news: became a reality. It makes it sound like someone popped the last one from a petri dish and handed her a big gulp and a twinkie, slapped her on the ass and gave her the keys to a SUV. And maybe they did. I'm pretty sure that if she was created from the unholy union of harvested eggs and sperm in a test tube at Texas A&M that's what they would do, just to make sure she fit in. Until, of course, the rapture happened and she and her creators were damned for all eternity.

It makes me laugh when people say there are too many of us. Granted, three hundred million is a lot, but people, have you been to the Midwest? We got plenty of room. Acres of room. Miles and miles of empty, empty room. So I don't see what all the screeching is about: we got plenty of money to go around. We have always been able to absorb more immigrants. Most American ARE immigrants. If we currently hold US passports, then it is becasue at some point our forefathers were doing it in foreign languages.

I think what people worry about is the loss of our Anglophone majority-white European society. What? We are more homogeneous now than we have ever been. We don't even have real accents anymore, thanks to our friend the television. We used to have dozens, now we like two. So what, a new Indian take-out place is going to disrupt your standard of living? Koreans are going to start breaking into your house at night and stealing your VCR? Guatamalans are going to burn down your Christmas tree and make you practice Santaria (yes, yes, angry letter writers: I am mixing cultures and religions. deal.). No. None of these things are going to happen.

You will have more delicious, spicy foods to eat at your convenience, Koreans will continue to do what they have always done here: get rich, and Guatamalans will take soccer back from six-year-old girls and make it a man's game again. What's not to like? And their kids will talk just like you. And fat. I am sure they will eventually get incredibly fat. Becasue after all, the nation that gorges together... well, you get the idea.



"Is this where for we get Big Gulp? All the way from Russia we come, for the Big Gulp. Why Koreans drive so bad?"

7 comments:

Ar-Jew-Tino said...

Go back to the Midwest. We don't like Kansans around here.

Moanzilla said...

If a Korean stole your VCR would you even notice?

I didn't even know I still had a VCR. (I do. I just checked. Not a lot of Koreans in my neighborhood I guess.)

Coach said...

I don't understand why people think that only white english-speaking christians have a monopoly on freedom, democracy and waht it means to be American. Who cares it in 150 years a majority of Americans are bilingual and brown skinned. As long as they have an affirinity for civil rights, civil liberties, and economic and religious freedom, they're Americans in my book.

Secret Rapture said...

My inaugural address at the Great White Throne Judgment of the Dead, after I have raptured out billions!
Read My Inaugural Address
My Site=http://www.angelfire.com/crazy/spaceman

Rod Manges said...

Awesome. More people to clean my house and mow my lawn. Maybe now I'll even get a driver.

Anonymous said...

The three hundredth million American is just as much a blessing as the first that arrived here in 1492. I pray every day for the millions of Americans that aren't here to fill your beautiful, empty fields with life because they were murdered in the womb. Kansas must feel so desolate and must be constant reminder of the reality of abortion. With a GOP congress we will fill this land from sea to shining sea!

The King said...

You, sir, can cry yourself to sleep now. No one cares about your crazytalk republican utopia.