15 March 2007

You Shall Know Me by the Trail of My Insults

Mmmmmmmmm K Peeps. This is an open letter to the people of DC who decide to drive cars. I am not the enemy. I am just some dude who rides his bike to work and home in an effort to keep the beer from making him even fatter. Car drivers: I am a vehicle. I can take the lane if I want it. It's just as much mine as it is a tractor-trailer's. That is the law. If I want to drive four miles an hour, that's my right. I won't, because sometimes I drive a car and it pisses me off too, but understand this fact. You have to just suck it up and allow me to do so. In the last two days drivers have: yelled at me from car windows for unknown reasons, cut me off, honked because I was impeding some imaginary emergency and SPIT at me. That's right. Spit. I won, because I spit back and landed a big one on his window, but whatever. Winning isn't important. When you've won, anyway.

Now, I've been riding ye olde iron horse since December, and nothing happened until now, so I know it isn't all of you. Just a select few. Who all decided to be asshats in the same week.

Other driving people, who shall remain nameless because they are also friends, have claimed that bikers piss them off because some times they wear headphones and weave in and out of traffic. I'm sorry, I think you are breaking up... oh... what's that? You're talking on your phone while holding Starbucks and weaving though traffic listening to Beyoncé? Kettle? It's pot. You're black.

I understand that sometimes it can be frustrating while driving in traffic to have to deal with pedestrians and bikers. THAT'S THE PRICE YOU PAY FOR SITTING ON YOUR FAT ASS AND BEING PROPELLED DOWN THE ROAD. If it makes you so mad that bikers can weave between traffic at stop lights to get to the front (which, by the way, is indeed legal, Mr Yell-Out-The-Window-Toyota-Corolla-With-Maryland-Tags), well, that's the price you pay for driving a car. If you don't like it, you can get a bike as well. Don't like it that you have to allow bikes a lane? Well, then move somewhere that you don't have to do that. I recommend Dubuque, Iowa. Does it bother you that people lock their bikes to signs and parking meters? What are you, like six? Shut it.

I'm not judging you if you drive a car to work (totally not true: I'm judging you as we speak. Can you hear me? It sounds like sleigh bells. And gay porn. That's what judging sounds like.) but drivers, remember: the road is not yours alone. Share. Or my trail of insults will be accompanied with a rain of rocks, bricks, and other windshield cracking projectiles. That is all.


Coach said...


Princess Amber said...

Right on. Futher more, I say, if you don't want to share the road, you fat lazy cunt, lobby your mp to build a fucking bike lane.

And guess what else? We don't like sharing the road with you either, Captn Exhaust Fumes and Sgt Manky Tyre Splash.

And I'm sorry, driving friends, that some bikers wear lycra, but I'm also sorry that some people whose only off road experience has been a footpath, still drive excessively enormous 4WDs. Maybe a truce on this matter can lead the way forward in rider/driver peace negotiations.

Also, Badger, word from the wise; if you carry a nice heavy bike lock, it can be used to break side mirrors of cars whose asshat (love that) drivers are ill mannered enough to spit on ecologically responsible Kings like yourself.

Public Masturbation said...

Damn Skippy!

Drivers in DC are the worst. I've been flicked off, hit twice, had things thrown at me, cursed at and all the rest because at the time I was too poor to even metro to and from work. No it's not fun in the least when your snot-nosed GDS brat points and laughs out the back of your hummer when I'm biking in 40 degree rainstorms.

I love my bike and wouldn't give it up for anything. But seriously having it stolen 3 times was not cool either. So here's to the thieves and SUV lardasses a big steaming cup of bile.

Average Jane said...

Ok, so on behalf of corolla's with maryland tags... I apologize for stupid people. Kind of as a whole.

Pretty soon, I'll be walking to work which I think is tantamount to riding a bike. Heck, I might ride my bike after all. But I'll ride it on the sidewalk, mostly because I am not in denial that people around here would hit me and toss a few hundred out the window for my trouble.

On another note, thank you for finally explaining what all that gay porn and sleigh bells has been this whole time... =)

Moxie said...

So very true! While I recently caved and started driving to work (but I've never cut off or spit at or in any other way attempted to harm or intimidate a biker!), the almost nice weather has got me itching to get out the old two-wheeler and jump back into the fray. Thanks for the further encouragement.

gmr2048 said...

u-locks, good for more than just locking bikes!