06 April 2010


Josh is taking the Foreign Service Exam right now. Today's the big one; after this test they tell you if they want you or not. I dropped him off this morning after being the good boyfriend and making him lunch, and then bringing him down from his pre-stressful situation freak-out/high that he loves so much. It's the little things that keep the magic alive.

Can I put this out there, real quick? I took the Foreign Service Exam before I moved to Japan. It used to be structured differently, but I passed the first round and was invited to take the exam that Josh is taking today. And I didn't take it because I wasn't sure that I wanted to work for the State Department under George W. Bush. I know that my life would be completely different if I had passed that exam and not moved overseas at that point- I wouldn't have met Josh, I wouldn't have met most of the friends I have now, I wouldn't choose to do things differently. But still. Just this one time, be slow to judge.

I'm just a little jealous.

Josh got into school at the school where I didn't. And now he's sitting the exam for the career that I thought I wanted. And after wishing him the best, and trying to do everything I can to help him succeed, and hoping with him that he gets this thing he would be amazing at: maybe I want to be the one sitting in that room nervously trying to appear both intelligent and modest at the same time?

Don't tell anyone this part, but sometimes looking down at my scarred cook's hands, being able to cook isn't enough.

UPDATE: Josh PASSED! WHOO HOO! Beer drinking begins!


The Badger King said...

Or maybe it is. Too much coffee in the morning makes me kind of maudlin.

Lemmonex said...

You make your friends amazing meals, teach people amazing things, and make hundreds of folks full and happy with those hands. I think it is pretty awesome myself.

Elisa said...

I've been meaning to tell you this - and was hoping to get a chance to say it in person - but one of my work colleagues has taken your cheffing class. I spoke with her about you at her birthday party and she used the words "gifted" and "wonderful". I told her I'd known you in your fundraising days and she said, 'Oh, I can't imagine him doing anything else. He's an amazing teacher and makes complicated techniques accessible and fun'. Keep it up, buddy. You're definitely on the right track.

Seleise said...

hugs! have you seen Sliding Doors?

I have a hometown friend who's living the life I once thought I would - teaching overseas and traveling like crazy. I'm happy for her but a little jealous too. The key (as you know) is to not let the jealousy overtake the happy and not get caught up too long (because it's nice to wallow) in "What if". Some days are easier than others but choose happy because life's too short and you're fabulous chico esclavo!

MB said...

Let's just all remember that you can make me delicious homemade ranch dressing and Josh can't, so you win.

Also, two posts in one month? Is it Christmas?

Paul said...

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.

Its interesting that you've posted something like this at a time when I'm about to sit my final law exams wondering how did I even get to this point?

I look back ten years ago and wonder why I ever left Manhattan when I was offered sponsorship to continue my musical career - by now, I could've been on Broadway or collaborating with the likes of Alicia Keys, Timbaland or even (heaven forbid) Lady Gaga! And since Aussies are all the rage in Tinseltown these days, the novelty would've sat nicely.

Instead, I came home, finished uni, did E-SHI-SHI, travelled, came back to top up on a few more qualifications and next, God knows what! Yet, I still can't shake away that missed opportunity which drove to the core of my passion - singing. That one moment of self-doubt that denied me a life that could have been so different...maybe.

Regret? I don't know. Perhaps. But at the end, I made a choice. Regardless of whether in hindsight it was a good, bad or ugly one - it was a choice that had to be made...one I had to inevitably submit to.

Every opportunity we don't take will always be given to someone else. But, for you, to know that a person you really care about is embracing that opportunity - it should give you some comfort in knowing that you contributed to his success, even if it is as seemingly insignificant as making him lunch or rubbing his back. Don't dismiss yourself so easily. Yes, it could've been you, but - it isnt. And you know what? That's okay.

Nothing good ever comes from jealousy. And Josh doesn't deserve for you to be jealous especially since his motivation, I'm sure, has a lot to do with you. Fulfilling a void is not about chasing things you should've done. Rather, its about seeking the things you will do next. And by you looking at your scarred hands, its probably time for you to move forward.

My advice: let your choices be driven by your values, not your title. Find hope and guidance within yourself, not dictated by the world around you. Don't regret the past, take a bigger risk than before and own your future. Opportunities will be kicking down your door... :)

P.S. Your blog made me release some sentimental issues...man, i hope my whaffling made sense!

Digger said...

I hope you boyfriend passes the OA, and I hope you consider retaking the test. I joined after my wife did because it was a way for both of us to have challenging careers.

The Badger King said...

Thanks everyone for your encouragement- I had no idea anyone still read this blog, except for MB (who reads it only for it's Ranch Dressing Related Content). @Lemmonex- yeah, I know. But sometimes it DOESN'T seem like enough- but really, what is? I'm dealing. @Elisa- thanks lover. That's awesome to hear. Let's make out in wigs sometime. @Seleise This is totally a sliding doors moment, and I thought I had made peace with decisions, but life slips up on you sometimes, no? I'll try to choose happy- thanks for the encouragement. Amor, tu chico esclavo. @MB You get all the ranch you can handle. @Paul I don't feel that this jealous feeling is at all directed towards Josh- it's more amorphous than that. And I agree. It's done. But still, the feelings caught me off guard, and so, logically, I posted them on the most private place on earth: the intertubes. @Digger Thanks for the encouragement, and also: so random you commented here as I've been reading your blog on and off for a couple months. Thanks for the good info!

crabbyro said...

Jealousy is an important emotion. Of course you feel jealous in this situation. Josh, is being what you thought you wanted to be when you grew up. But there is a reason you didn't follow that path. Just as there's a reason I live in my hometown and own a pottery painting studio. No life decision is ever perfect, and anyone worth his or her salt will wonder what if. My rule, if you can imagine your life different, do something about it.If you don't love it why do it. You can be whatever you want to be when you grow up. There's plenty of time.