11 August 2006

Officer C.A. Fulda: The Universe Will Catch Up With You

Remember that guy from high school who was good at sports, dumb as a box of rocks, and liked to pick on anyone he felt was not his peer in the jockocracy? That guy became a policeman. I have never understood it, but I think it has something to do with the fact that as a policeman you have powers over others. And you get a lot of guns, sticks, handcuffs, etcetera, that probably keep your mind off the fact that your life has been wasted in a spiral of drink, ugliness and untapped potential. Also, you hate your father.

I'm being unfair. I have known some men of the law in my days, and I must say that lots of them have a real commitment to civic duty, safe cities and a livable society. But not Officer C.A. Fulda of the Metro Transit Police. He sucks. Friday night I was going home after eating the entire crab population of the Chesapeake Bay at the Quarterdeck in Rosslyn with my brother, his wife and the boyfriend. Sorry if you wanted some this season, we ate them all. They were delicious. Also, the Quarterdeck is the only reason to enter Northern Virginia. That and the Costco at Pentagon City. I walked through an empty fare gate (the gate was closed before I used my SmarTrip card), and we went to the escalators. There stood the offending transit man, C.A. Fulda, beckoning me to approach him by waggling his index finger. In part one of incredulous interaction with the police, he: (a) accused me of fare jumping, (b) refused to listen to the logic of “fare gate only opens if you actually use your card, it doesn't open for magic pixie dust” and then (c) got really pissed when he checked the machine in the manager's office that proved that I had indeed used my smarTrip card and not my amazing magic powers to open said fare gate.

In part two of incredulous interaction with the police, Officer Fulda: (a) claimed that he was doing a favor by making me miss my train [uhhhh...what?] (b) said I was being “uncooperative” [how? Using Metro as indicated on the box?] (c) refused to give me his badge number, saying “Are you blind? Do you see a badge number?” [no, but I can see you being a complete shit] (d) refused to give me his business card, asking “Are you stupid? Why don't you understand that I don't have any cards!?” [because I find that hard to believe] and (e) finally got even more pissed when I copied his name down from his nametag [actually, I think he was most pissed that I asked to borrow his pen for this purpose]. And then I walked away and got on the train with my peoples.

And then it got even weirder.

I looked up from my newspaper as the train entered the tunnel to DC, and there stood our man Fulda. That's right. And he had his official pad of paper out, and he wanted my name because, “If you have my name, then I need to have your name.” Not convincing me of the connection, he continued “I need your name to know who is submitting the complaint”. Let's stop here: no friend, you will get my name from the letter I write to your boss. Not from me, in person. I asked him if he was following me. Which was the wrong question apparently. He got really and agitated and said that no, he wasn't

following me, he was off duty and going downtown on “personal business” and that was I so stupid to know that if a police officer asks for my identification I have to give it. Nice public relations, there C. Maybe it's time for a refresher course. And if you are off duty, then you are just another private citizen shmoe like me, asshat. So shut it. So we got off the train, after reminding him that if he truly wasn't following me, the he would stay on the train. And he did.

And then I wrote love letters to his bosses.

Should public servants be called out in public when they misbehave at work? Well, normally I would say that private citizens should stay that way. But those rules don't apply when my tax dollars buy you a gun for work, Officer Fulda. I'm not a member of the A.V. Club and you are no longer an upperclassman with a letter jacket. Let me be the one to break it to you; that phase of your life is over. So seriously, what's your problem jackass?

Babies dislike Officer Fulda, too.


Anonymous said...

Isn't being a metro policeman kind of like being on the baseball team? Just a sad excuse to get a uniform and a fancy jacket, but nobody really knows you exist and you don't really serve any purpose?

PS The guys that were in the AV club now make 3 times his salary. Life evens out in the end!

Mango de Mallorca said...

Perhaps Officer Fulda stalked you because he wanted to do naughty things to you. Who knows, maybe it turns him on to exercise his immense authority as... a subway security guard?

Anonymous said...

kick ass. i';ve had similar expeinces with cap police officers where i work. they just add to the misery that is my low-paid lackey job. the metro transit police, may be bored out of their minds, but that's no excuse for harassment. i'd love to know the name/address of his supervisor. i'd write an email or letter to him just saying how appalled i am at Fulda's actions.