07 August 2006

Oh, the Humanity.

Sorry I haven't posted in so long- last week I was finishing up my temp duties (erasing my browser history, stealing office supplies and trying to dodge new work as it came in) and my brother and sister-in-law came to visit (required drinking beer, eating crabs). I was just swamped, as I am sure you can imagine. However, today: the dreaded NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION. I kept a log, retyped here. Talk about being embedded.

8.00am Arrive on time, which is completely amazing considering that, in full important-day style, I forgot my keys and wallet on the way to the bus stop and had to return after walking half way there. I walk into orientation to find I am the second person to arrive and that the first hour will be spent playing a 'get-to-know-you' game. Immediately regret not having brought flask.

8.16am Find out that HR has STILL not processed my paperwork, meaning I cannot get a proper cardkey. Good thing our HR department isn't in charge of anything important, like payroll or the retirement plan.

8.46am Meet woman who lived in Kathmandu and worked for USAID and will now be directing capacity building programs in my organization. Decide to stalk her until I figure out her secrets of success. I want to live in Nepal and work for USAID.

8.51am Discover that no breakfast will be served, contradicting the invitation papers that clearly state breakfast will, indeed, be served. Drink juice, three cups of coffee and sugar packet to stave off growling stomach. Fail. Find tiny packet of airline crackers in bag. Devour like the manna that they are.

9.00am Travesty that is new employee orientation officially begins.

9.08am Attempt to slit wrists with dry-erase marker. Fail. Gnash teeth and weep.

9.19am Watch a video about the history of the organization. I had no idea that dead people would be revived to read from their own biographies as voice over for stock video. Classy.

11.17am I get picked out of the dozing heads to answer a rhetorical question. Rhetorical questions shouldn't be answered, people. But the answer is seven. A man must walk down seven roads before we can call him a man.

11.25am Twenty-five minutes till lunch! Make up a lunch time song that goes: “Sandwich doesn't want me for a lunch beam...” Sing to the tune of Nirvana's 'Jesus Doesn't Want Me for a Sunbeam'. I'm not creative when hungry. Shut it.

11.42am Someone just asked a question about the Izron/Hezbollah conflict. Really? Izron?

11.47am Facilitator asks: “What do you think about diversity? Anybody?” I mean, what do you say to that? It's not like she is going to trick some klansmen in the group to slip up “I like everything lily-white. Shit! I shouldn't have said that!” BTW, we spent 45 minutes on diversity training, but they don't offer domestic partner benefits. Natch.

12.00pm Sweet, sweet lunch.

1.05pm Uh oh. Now we are playing a learning educational stupid game. I wonder why we finished so fast? Oh that's right, we don't care.

1.55pm Urination.

2.01pm “How to Use the Mouse” Network tutorial presented by your grandma. “Oh love, that's right, that's the button to push to “click” the mouse! Does any body know how to double click!? My stars! Everyone! That's right! Click twice! Jeepers it's a smart group!” I can feel the back most brain cells decide they are no longer needed and drink the kool-aid.

2.47pm Play game that involved answering questions about HR policies. Stab. Me. In. The. Eye.

3.27pm HR Policy Panel Question Time: Rollicking good fun, but at least it is relevant to new employees.

3.32pm Nevermind. I think that irrelevance has become the new relevance. Pink's the new black, crap's the new fantastic. Spread the word.

3.51pm Die, HR. Die a thousand deaths.


Ar-Jew-Tino said...

It takes you six minutes to urinate?

The King said...

My bladder is the size of your head.

MB said...

I would suggest more frequent urination breaks. Even if really you are just going into the bathroom to nap or send text messages. The handicapped stall is a good one for naps, btw. The hand bar thingies make a good head rest.

Guy said...

I propose this manner of death for HR personnel.

Firstly, they should be told they can escape death but only if they have a valid passcard, email account and access to all required applications by a certain date.

Next they will be forced to fill in a series of tedious forms which will be deliberately destroyed.

Passcards, emails etc will be occasionally issued but with incorrect information forcing them to start the whole miserable process again.

This cycle will continue until the deadline passes, at which point they will be slowly spit roasted over burning piles of their own formulaic rejection letters and psychometric tests.

Multiply by 1000 as suggested

katastrophe said...

BTW I took liberal pee breaks during that orientation to keep from running back to my old job that I hated with the fire of a thousand 18-year-old loins.