26 August 2006

Wrap me in burlap sacks and call it Armani

When is it that people go shopping for clothes? Is it something that someone forgot to put on my schedule? I remember as a kid getting new clothes (that normally I hated- sorry mom, but let's be honest, shopping by the price tag does not a stylish boy make) when school started. I got a new pair of sneakers when the old ones got to small (always one size to big so I could grow into them). And at christmas. And a new church outfit at Easter. But that was it. Now, without these important milestones punctuating the year, I sort of seem to be falling behind. OK, so I spent year wandering around the third world dressed in shorts and t-shirts most likely made by orphans. That left me without much to start from. But other people I see walking to work seem to be wearing clothes that are actually appropriate to the work place. I am wearing... the same pair of pants every day.

That's not completely true; I have three pairs of pants. They rotate. But one of them is kind of uncomfortable because when I was in the store I really had to piss and I just sort of grabbed them thinking “yeah, I'll lose fifteen pounds next week”. I have not, to date, kept that promise. I think it is really unfair that I have to spend money on clothes that I only wear to the office. What ever happened to boiler suits? I feel that, while oppressive, the communist impulse to make everyone wear clothing that basically looks like a potato sack does have it's advantages.

I also enjoy making unreasonable bargains with myself, eg “I'll have the body of a Men's Health model by Halloween, and then I'll buy clothes”. To date, all twenty-nine years of my existence have been lived not resembling an unattainable goal. I think other people must actually LIKE trying on clothes and wandering around malls. Otherwise, they wouldn't spend so much time doing it. If all things were possible, I would only wear things I bought at the salvation army. Because the salvation army, that's where you get the snazzy clothes: fedoras, sanabelt pants, bolo ties. And snazzy, my friends, means never having to say you're sorry.


MB said...

This post may get you expelled from gaydom. Or at least put on probation.

PS I always used that "new Easter outfit" angle too. As if Jesus really cared that I got all prettied up for his resurrection.

The King said...

It's so true. I don't think Jesus ONCE commented on my new fake leather loafers from Payless Shoes.