27 February 2007

The Death of Free Booze, and Civilization

The King likes himself a drink. He can do with out, of course, but really: self-deprivation is just the beginning of a slippery slope to anorexia, right? And I couldn’t handle that. Too intense. I’m too weak and need things pretty and bright for life to continue. It is pretty much common knowledge that boozin’ it up during certain activities, such as bearing a child, driving a train or performing open heart surgery will lead to horrible results. Then, there are other activities that are best seen to with a couple gin and tonics under the belt, including breaking up with people, going to Ikea and listening to progressive rock.

And flying over oceans.

But not because it is scary. Flying isn’t really scary to me because either we will arrive safely at our destination, or we will die in a fiery inferno. There is very little middle ground when traveling at five hundred miles an hour in what amounts to a foil-wrapped gas tank.

No, flying requires booze the same way that both a visit to Ikea AND listening to progressive rock require a bottle of spirits: because the experience is painful AND because you choose to do it. Also, if you expect me to sit in a seat with my knees resting lightly on my cheeks for eight hours, then you have a responsibility to fill me with booze. Having just returned from Ye Olde Englande, I was shocked/horrified to find that transatlantic flights no longer offer free alcohol as one traverses the frozen north Atlantic.

You have no idea how much this insults me at a personal level. Flying is supposed to be cool and sophisticated! Not the airborne equivalent of riding the bus. I am still angry that no one wears fedoras anymore, or carries a walking cane, and that they found out smoking was bad for you. If I was king of the world, everyone would still be wearing pill box hats, drinking martinis and dancing to swing music. I know, you hate me. But I’d be in charge and what the hell are you going to do about it? Nothing. Have another highball.

The kick in the teeth? “Ladies and gentlemen, please be advised that federal law prohibits passengers consuming any alcoholic beverages not served by cabin crew, including duty free purchases. Cocktails, beer and wine will be available in economy class for five dollars, four euro or three pounds sterling. Thank you.”

Good thing I am the smartest man alive. “Cabin crew, please be advised that I am in the bathroom dumping duty-free vodka into an empty water bottle. Please bring a large supply of tonic water, ice, and limes to seat 38A. Piss off.”

I'm here for your Safety. That's why I am holding this basket of mints.


MB said...

You can definitely drink while bearing a child. By then it's totally not going to matter, right? It's the 9 months of carrying a child that you really should not. Or not much anyway. La la la.

HRH King Friday XIII said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Coach said...

The stewardess looks like she's handing out condoms, which confuses me even more. How are you expected to have an airplane orgy without the booze? The airlines have gone too far.

The King said...

But it's not true! I didn't delete a single comment! WTF?

Also, airplane orgy: hot.

gmr2048 said...

"traveling at five hundred miles an hour in what amounts to a foil-wrapped gas tank"

best. description. ever.