So, I have basically no experience with children. I mean, I used to take care of them, and I like them, and I used to teach them English, but in terms of doing things with them- not so much. My younger sister (shout out Goo! What's up?) (she hates being called Goo, the name my brother and I came up with for her when she was like three days old) was born when I was eight, so really, I was to young to actually do any work.
Babies are like this magical quantity- their very presence bends the rules of space and time and human interaction in towards them like some cute, if not slightly smelly, black hole.
Observations:
1. No one cares what you do, if you do it with a baby. We stood too close to pictures. We held baby M up to certain pieces of art, as if she was part of the art, or possibly as if some of the art was eating her. Did guards come and scream and blow whistles and sack us good for endangering art? No. The guard offered to take a picture of us endangering art with a baby. Were we required to leave all of our large bags and stroller in the coat check, like other citizens who didn't have a baby in tow? No. We got to wheel it all down the corridors like some mammoth, slightly milk-smelling caravan.
Just don't vomit on the art.
2. Everyone wants to talk to the baby. I have never had so many people come up and start asking questions. What would you do if I walked up to you and started asking how old your seven year-old daughter was and how much does she weigh? You would bash my head good. But everybody does it to babies. I was tempted to start providing false details:
3. I got checked out more by cute guys when I was holding this baby then I have ever been checked out before. It was like I wasn't wearing a shirt in Halo. That is so totally unfair. Maybe I'll have one shipped in from Asia.
Oh! She's adorable! How old is she?
I don't know. Ask her (pointing at any random woman in the room). She handles those details.
Oh My God! How cute! Is it a boy or a girl?
How 'bout you just check for yourself? I think it needs changed. Here's a diaper.
What's her name?
Boobalicious.
2 comments:
I already called her for this weekend. We'll work out a schedule. Friday, I am strapping Boobalicious to my arm like some sort of sweat band worn by hipsters. That's right, everybody wants a piece of babydaddy.
Whoop, shout out to Sis!! She can legally drink but she will forever be Goo! Did I just Whoop- I'm glad we're moving.
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