14 May 2007

So, I am trying to decide what to do in life. I turn thirty in June. Yes, I should have made this decision earlier. But really, don't we all think that? Isn't it the same for all of us? Who is doing what they always wanted to? Some of you are. There has to be someone.

Sometimes I feel like I should stay the course, not change, slog though. Sometimes I think that I should dart quickly from one thing to the next. Depending on your point of view, I guess I do both of those things in life.

I look around (mistake #1: comparison) and see that others already seem to have a trajectory in life. They have predefined paths that they seem to want to take. They have goals, their eyes on the prize, noses to the grindstone. They say things like "well, it's a good step for me." I have said those things, but I was lying.

I see them happy and determined in their chosen path (mistake #2: assumption) and they don't waver. They feel no ennui about their choices. They never wake up at night and think about towns in Malaysia they might never see. They never feel that not only are their current careers boring, but they hinder them finding fulfillment elsewhere. They never worry that that thing, that unnamed intangible, that slippery thread that leads to happiness will slip away into the night.

People are in charge of their lives. Good things happen to them because they work to make them happen (mistake #3: thinking we are in control). Others have gotten what they want. Why haven't I? Or do I have what I want? And if I do, why won't my brain just shut up already? What more can I want?

There are a lot of options. I mean, it's good that I don't have to be an iron monger because my dad was, but still- if I had to be an ironmonger, not having that choice would remove one thing I had to choose. I would have to choose happiness in another way. (mistake #4: too many choices. or is it not enough?)

A review, for those of you with very short attention spans:

Mistake #1: I compare myself with others.
Mistake #2: I assume things that might not be true.
Mistake #3: I think I can control the world.
Mistake #4: Everything is possible. Therefore, if I don't make the right thing happen, it's my fault.

Stupid adulthood.


average jane said...

Yeah. Stupid adulthood. There is a book I read called "conquering your quarterlife crisis". It's about how people our age deal with the fact that we leave college thinking we have a plan, follow that plan to its penultimate destination which tends to be discontent and confusion, or downright hatred of our lives.

I kind of hoped it would give me the answer as to how to do this... how to conquer my quarterlife crisis. It did not. Rather, it told me stories about how everyone else did it. Which is silly. Because they are not me. This book should have been explicitly about me and my indecision and inability to choose a path in life. Duh.

That being said, I have the book if you want to borrow =)

Princess Amber said...

The only useful thing I can ever do when I feel like you do now (which is usually daily, at a certain point between waking up and opening my eyes), is to try to think of my life as a series of discrete vignettes, rather than a continuous thread. And with that in mind, you just have to do for now; ask your boyfriend the name of that bar we used to sometimes go to on Fridays with the inspirational name that makes it ok to drink yourself dead.

And yes, go to chef school.

Anything else?

HRH King Friday XIII said...

Go rent (or bit torrent) Forest Gump. Life is about being the feather that travels through the ether of life. Do we each have a destiny, or are we all floating around in randomness?

"I think maybe it's both."

english guy said...

FTB my friend. FTB.

And I'm coming with you.

sunchaser said...

I can totally relate to the too many choices and the ennui with current job problems.

So sorry, I don't have an answer for you, but I'll check back and see if you found one from another source that I can borrow from myself. ;)