I'm Taking Over the World

I started a business today. It took like five minutes. I started doing some consulting work, and since I can't afford liability insurance, I decided to hide behind a corporate shell. Hurray laissez faire capitalism! No, for serious: appearantly, in America, by signing my name to a peice of paper, I can kill children as long as I do it as a representative of my fake corporation.

I can't believe that in the same city that cancelled my driver's license for no reason at the drop of a hat allows someone to set up a corporation in, seriously, five minutes on the webbertubes. Click, print, write a check and guess what? I'm the CEO of Square State LLC. That's right.

C. E. O.

I plan on taking a ridiculous compensation package and then getting bailed out by the federal government. Hurray!

Yeessssssss.

I saw Nancy Pelosi at work a week or so ago. She was there for a fund raiser of some sort. She is shorter than I had envisioned.

Coming out of the bathroom, I was retying my apron. She was walking to the bathrooms. Her smile was so large that I thought maybe we could go spelunking and use it as illumination, the way it was gleaming in the dim light. You know, hold her aloft to light the way for us intrepid explorers, and such. Whatever. You have weird thoughts sometimes, too.

Me: You are Nancy Pelosi.
Nancy Pelosi: Yes I am.
Me: (slowly, and kind of creepily) N a n c y P e l o s i.
N.P.: Yeesssss. (smile dims significantly)

awkward silence

N.P.: Thank you for cooking tonight. It was delicious.* (smile looking very strained, as if her face might soon crack)
Me: Yeesssss.

This is where she went into the bathroom, and I realized that I am the reason everyone gets a security detail in Washington, DC. What the hell is wrong with me? At the very least I could have been like “Big ups for Balmer, Nanc! How's those grandkids treating you?”.

Instead, with a slow yeesssssss, I ensured I am placed on an FBI watch list.

*It was not. I clearly remember thinking political parties will eat anything and be happy as long as it is accompanied by booze.

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An Uncomfortable Warm Feeling

So I was waiting for my car to get fixed late this afternoon and perusing the Washington Post, enjoying one of the reasons I love Washington. Seriously, the Post is one of the best things, ever. I flipped the page and there was this whole section of attractive military guys, sort of like a year book.

I had been trying to decide which one was the hottest for about five minutes when I realized that I was looking at all the service people who died this fall.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Sorry about that.

This is How Catholicism Was Created

Guy: i was recently thinking about taking two weeks off work to read Proust

i'm really not cut out for capitalism

me: it's true- neither of us are

I don't care enough about winning

I am happy to have some booze and something to read

also, a plane ticket

Guy: yeah i love just pottering around looking at stuff

drunkenly

it's this sort of conversation that leads to people becoming tramps

me: it's true. all we need now is a stick and a handkerchief to tie a bundle

and some train cars to ride around the country

me: i'd like to write a book in ten years that starts out "I had a promising career... and then I decided to become a tramp."

Guy: sounds like a blues record, can i sip on some thunderbird?

wahahaha

it would have to go in the opposite-to-self-help section:

the self-destruction section

me: haha! that would be great! It could be a book about how maybe self destruction is really the path to self help

it would mess with the lives of thousands of young people AND make us rich

what better?

Guy: it's perfect

you have to destroy the old you to find your true self

might as well have some fun while you do it

me: exactly

plus bonus section: how to drink and drive for fun and profit!

Guy: Heroin & Parenting: How your crippling, hellish addiction can equip your child with the tools to handle anything life throws at them

me: Being Poor and Having More Kids: How not being able to support your children and equip them to live in the modern world will allow them to develop alternative means of support, such as stealing and robbing, making them into well rounded and independent entrepreneurs

Guy: wahahaha

this genre just writes itself

me: it really does

which is why we should write it

Guy: we could be 'self-destruction gurus'

that's a job title

me: I was reading this "guide to happiness" that someone had left at my office, and it said that the most rewarding job was one that came easy to you, but people found valuable.

I think we have found that job

Guy: i always new my calling in life was to wreck other people.

for profit!

me: bwhhhahahahaaaa

it's the best plan ever

Guy: jesus would've approved, he was the king of self-destruction

and the jews

me: those jews are just full of self loathing. plus Jesus- he was totally about self destruction. Leave your families, friends, children and walk around the desert with me for some unfathomable reason, he said unto them

Guy: also, the only man in history to be nailed to a cross and still somehow come across as being smug

me: wwwwwwwwwwHAHAHHAHAHA

so true

We are going to hell now, you know that, right?

Guy: he's a perfect icon for the 'cause'

"yes i have truly destroyed myself, and all for you my brethren"

clever

me: yes, not only taking his own self destruction as a good thing, but claiming that all others are in debt to him for it!

we are really onto something now!

Guy: next time i get drunk and arrive late for work, i'll say i was doing it for mankind's sins

me: yes! and if I forget my mom's birthday I'll say it was to save the jews

Guy: entire new outlook on life springs into operation

me: hurray!

Insanity Ensues.

Oh my god this is the funniest thing I have read in a while. As I was reading, I had a flash back of my mom yelling at a bank clerk that wouldn't let her deposit a check that was in my dad's name. I remember her getting more and more irate, until she told the clerk that she wanted to close her account, all 15,000 dollars of it, or whatever, and that she wanted it in fives. Only fives.

What would you happen if you bought 25 bottles of Nyquil? from Violent Acres

My favorite quote? "BECAUSE OF THE METH!!"'

Thanks to the Arjewtino for emailing me the link and making me squirt diet coke out of my nose.